Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
he just fucked me for my cheese.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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