FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
