I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Randomize
