my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
