I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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