My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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