I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
