Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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