i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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