his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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