Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
