for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
