i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
