Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
