so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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