I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
