my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
