oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
