How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
