I think my fart just growled at me.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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