Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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