i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
