Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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