you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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