that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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