You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
