Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
