I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I can't turn off my feet"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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