Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
