he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
