my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i would punch a child for taco bell
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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