Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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