The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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