if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
