goodnight i made you a song goodbye
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i wish my penis had a tongue
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
