i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Randomize
