he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
