Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
