I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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