I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
