Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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