hotel room ftw
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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