Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
