when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
