Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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