It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
