in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
where are you?
Hypothermia
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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