Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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