New low: just hacked my moms facebook
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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