Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
