i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
