Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
