just tell him i said nine months
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
