Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
