Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
